Alternative Red Dwarf- The story of Lauren Perry
by Janine1
Summary: Hey! I am taking over Luna The moonmonster's story. I hope I am as good at it as she is. r&r!
1. Prologue

Note: Hey! I am not the original writer of this fan fiction. I am sure you all recognize it as the FF Luna The Moon Monster did. That's because it is. She is unable to finish her awesome fiction, so I offered to take over. The first 15 chapters are ALL HERS! Everything after that is mine. ENJOY!!!!  
  
~~~  
  
Dirty, stinking, disgusting streets were all she knew. Since her birth and rejection from society she had seen many streets like these. All were the same vile refuges, with no comfort but the slightest of clothing and her teddy bear. She walked aimlessly about the streets, hoping someone would give her a coin to nourish herself.  
  
As she wandered the streets of Mimas she considered her future for the first time. But all she could see were the same unsightly streets. At the tender age of five years she did not know what she would become. 


	2. The Space Corps

1 Chapter 1-The Space Corp  
  
The tiny office was stuffy and airless. She gazed across at the balding recruitment officer sitting opposite her. She estimated him to be about thirty-five, but his liver to be nearer seventy. She could smell the drink on him. It was fresh, as if he had started drinking as soon as he got up. She was vaguely aware of him talking, but she did not concern herself over it.  
  
" Excuse me, Miss. Could you give me your name please."  
  
He was talking, she was aware of that.  
  
" Yes, of course."  
  
" Could you give me your Surname please."  
  
" Yes, Perry."  
  
" Pardon."  
  
" My Surname is Perry."  
  
" Thank you. And your first name."  
  
" What about it?"  
  
" Could you tell me it please."  
  
" Lauren."  
  
" And could you give me your date of birth please, Lauren."  
  
" No."  
  
" Why not?"  
  
" It's rude to ask a woman her age."  
  
The officer stared at her blankly. This was his second applicant with a bad attitude problem this week. Only three days previously he had received an application from David Lister, a man with a severe attitude problem. The officer was yet again considering retirement. The Space Corp attracted too many nutters.  
  
" I need your age for my records. If you do not issue me with your date of birth I can not allow you to enter the Space Corp."  
  
" Very well. Thirteenth of November, 2157."  
  
" Reason for joining the Space Corp?"  
  
" Need the money, need a home, need a life."  
  
" Okay, we will contact you when we have a place for you. Do you have any qualifications?"  
  
" Only one."  
  
" And what might than be?"  
  
" I speak languages."  
  
" Which languages do you speak?"  
  
" English, French, German, Spanish, Latin, Russian and Esperanto."  
  
" Are you serious?"  
  
" Of course."  
  
" Where can I contact you?"  
  
" Luggage locker 4178, Mimas Central Shuttle Station."  
  
" Oh, thank you for your time. I may be able to find you a place on one of our ships. There are fourteen in dock at the moment."  
  
" Thank you for you time."  
  
With that, she left the recruitment office. The officer watched after her, bewildered. She was so much like the man called Lister who had applied only days before. He thought it might be a joke they were playing, living in neighboring luggage lockers. He didn't know how wrong he was. 


	3. Recruitment

1 Chapter 2-Recruitment  
  
The noise was phenomenal. Her head was ringing with the din. She tried to locate the noise. It was the front of the door being hit rapidly with a heavy object. She decided to investigate further. When the noise stopped she quickly dressed and opened the door, jumping down six feet to the floor.  
  
She eyed the two officers standing in front of her. The woman was tall and willowy, but she had threatening eyes. The man had a softer looking face. He was the first to speak.  
  
" Lauren Perry, I presume."  
  
" You presume correct."  
  
" We have a vacancy for a person with your capabilities aboard one of our mining ships. Do you accept this position?"  
  
" Of course. When do I leave?"  
  
" Now, if that's convenient."  
  
" Of course."  
  
" We will give you time to gather your belongings, of course."  
  
" Of course."  
  
The two officers glanced at each other knowingly. They thought they were dealing with a complete psycho, and were glad they were not going to be stuck on the same ship as her. They started to leave but Lauren stopped them.  
  
" Where are you going?"  
  
" We will return to take you to your ship when you have gathered your belongings."  
  
" I have only what you can see. I am not rich, Mr. Saunders, I have no outstanding belongings."  
  
" How did you know my name, I never told you."  
  
" I know a great many things, Mr. Saunders, more than you could imagine."  
  
With wary looks from both officers, she was escorted to her new position as interplanetary translator aboard Red Dwarf. 


	4. The End...

Chapter 3-The End...  
  
" Alert, alert. Cadmium II leak, Cadmium II leak. Alert, alert. Blimey, this is hard work. Alert, alert, help us."  
  
Holly was going frantic. How could this happen? He was thinking of someone to blame, but couldn't think of anyone. He sealed the cargo hold but it was too late to save the crew. As Holly panicked he thought of Lister, lying totally unaware in stasis. He would have to stay there for a while until the radiation dropped to a safe level. That could take years, thought Holly, as he witnessed the death of the entire crew.  
  
After the initial shock of the situation, Holly decided it would be beneficial if he searched for life signs. Much to his delight he found a small life reading on the cargo decks. He discovered that the creature could survive for a while. He was also curious as to what the creature was. He found the creature fairly quickly and identified it as Lister's cat, Frankenstein, with her little kittens. Holly estimated than if the kittens were to breed their numbers could reach 200,000 in ten years. This thought shocked Holly, but he went back to his search for life signs.  
  
After searching the ship a couple of times (just to make sure), he found a faint life reading. It was coming from the officer's quarters. Holly was slightly worried by this. Nothing should have survived the radiation leak if it was not in a sealed area, or in stasis. Yet here was a life sign, probably human. Holly decided it would be best to take a look at the living creature in the officer's quarters.  
  
Lauren opened her eyes. The last thing she could remember was Holly screaming about a Cadmium II leak. She sat up and discovered that she had a terrible headache. She tried to stand but she fell backwards immediately. She could feel a great pain in her head and her stomach burned red hot. The air she was breathing scorched her lungs as she once again lost consciousness.  
  
Holly stared down from his screen at the unconscious form of Lauren Perry. He knew she was alive but was unsure of what to do. He knew he had to do something soon or she would die very swiftly. He summoned the skutters and ordered them to take her to the stasis booths, where Lister was held. There was one spare booth and Holly ordered the skutters to put her in it. They did so and activated the stasis field, holding Lauren Perry safely in suspended animation. This done, Holly considered how she could possibly have survived the radiation leak. The only injuries that were visible were the scorch marks across her body and the slight disfiguring of her once beautiful face. It was technically impossible for a human to survive the blast. It didn't make any sense and Holly thought it would be best to take her out of stasis a week before Lister to give her chance to heal. He would also be able to study her genetic makeup more easily. He considered the possibility that she was a GELF. A GELF might have been able to survive the blast. 


	5. -...And After

1 Chapter 4-...And After  
  
Light penetrated the thin skin of her eyelids. She was once again conscious. She dreaded taking a breath because she anticipated the burning of her lungs. She was aware that her head felt less painful and assumed she had begun to heal in the time she was unconscious. She turned her head to one side and looked into the eyes of Holly, the ship's computer.  
  
" Feeling better?"  
  
" A bit. What happened?"  
  
" We had a bit of a problem. There was a Cadmium II leak from the drive plates that Rimmer failed to repair properly. It swept across the whole ship, killing the crew. By some miracle you survived."  
  
" When did this happen?"  
  
" Three million years ago."  
  
" Oh. What happened to Lister? I thought he was in stasis."  
  
" He still is. He was the only other person to survive the radiation leak. Him and his cat, anyway."  
  
" His cat? The one he got put in stasis for?"  
  
" Yeah, that one. It's been breeding. Over the last three million years it's evolved into a humanish kind of thing."  
  
" Really? I've been in stasis for three million years, Lister is the only other crewmember alive, his cat has turned human and I'm stuck here with you for the rest of eternity? What sort of a life is that?"  
  
" I see your point. Anyway, we're three million years away from the solar system and the human race is probably extinct. What do you make of that?"  
  
There was no reply. During Holly's little speech she had once again lost consciousness. Holly was worried he had killed her with the shock of the situation and began wishing he had taken one thing at a time as she got better. While she was unconscious he had the skutters bandage her and run the blood tests. That was when he made the discovery. When she was hit by the radiation her blood had mutated, allowing her to survive. This mutation occurred only in her because of her incredibly rare blood group. This mutation had many side effects. Her blood was so highly evolved it was impossible for her to die. The radiation had made her immune system impenetrable. The only way she would die was if she lost an impossible amount of blood, or if she had her head cut off. Holly was distraught about this. There was also a different change in her blood, but he couldn't tell what side effect it would have.  
  
She woke up in the medi bay. She was wondering if this nightmare would ever end. She sat up slowly and checked herself over. She could see the scorch marks all over her once perfect body. She reluctantly raised a hand to her ruined face. She could feel the irreparable damage the radiation had caused. She had a large scar across her forehead and the skin around her cheeks was wrinkled and cracked. She was recovering quickly and her injuries were healing up. She stood up slowly and called for Holly as she saw herself in the mirror.  
  
" What's up dude?"  
  
" Holly, have you seen me? I'm a mess."  
  
" Oh, that'll heal in time. The skin on your cheeks will probably heal completely, but your head will have a massive scar on it."  
  
" That's reassuring. Is Lister out of stasis yet?"  
  
" No, 'fraid not. Why, do you want to see him?"  
  
" NO!!! I never want anyone to see me again."  
  
" Alright. It's a big ship, I'm sure you can avoid him. I won't even tell him you're here."  
  
" Thanks Hol."  
  
" You're welcome. By the way, just so's you'll know, I found out how you survived the radiation."  
  
" How?"  
  
" Your blood mutated. It's now practically impossible for you to die, and on top of that I did a brain scan. It showed that you now have the potential IQ of 3000, half of my IQ."  
  
" What do you mean by potential."  
  
" I mean that every piece of information you learn you will remember until you have an IQ of 3000."  
  
" Oh, right."  
  
" You're taking the whole situation much better than I thought."  
  
" I'm used to weird things happening to me. At the age of two I was abandoned in the streets of Mimas. I had to live by myself, begging for food from passing strangers. I learned to talk from eavesdropping on astros and pimps of varying nationalities. When I joined the Space Corp I intended to learn all I could. I studied night and day until I finally passed the astronavigation exam. I took it five times before I passed. I think there was only one person who took the exam more times than me. I think his name was..."  
  
" Rimmer."  
  
" Yes, Rimmer. You know who I mean."  
  
" Of course. It was Rimmer's fault there was a radiation leak."  
  
" Oh right. You don't mind not telling Lister about me do you?"  
  
" 'Course not. He'll never know."  
  
" Where would be the best place to live? You know, the least likely place he would go."  
  
" The gym probably, or the shower rooms."  
  
" How about the lower decks of the cargo hold?"  
  
" As long as the Cat population doesn't see you."  
  
" Cheers Hol. See you around."  
  
" I'll drop by now and again to see how you're gettin' on."  
  
With than, Lauren Perry left the upper decks of Red Dwarf to live in the food decks. 


	6. Shape Shifting

1 Chapter 5-Shape Shifting  
  
" You are such a Smeghead, Rimmer."  
  
" Just because I happen to know what planet is nearest to the Sun? How could you not know that?"  
  
" Well no-one ever told me, that's all. If someone had told me at some point in my life I might have known."  
  
" You're just too proud to admit defeat. Admit it, admit that I'm smarter than you."  
  
" No way. Just because I was never told doesn't mean that I'm stupid."  
  
" Yes it does."  
  
" Doesn't."  
  
" Does."  
  
" Doesn't."  
  
" Does."  
  
It was the little things she missed. The little arguments that people had. She had spent the last three months alone. She felt lonely and sad. She craved company. She craved people.  
  
As she watched the two men below her she felt like joining them. She had sworn to herself that they would never notice her in the air vents. She had spent less than a week up there and already the three of them were suspicious. The Cat had smelt her, even though he didn't recognize her as human, due thankfully to her mutated blood. Lister had caught sight of her shadow the previous night as she crawled away from his quarters. Rimmer had heard her scramble down the elevator shaft as she returned home one evening, and Holly had suddenly appeared in front of her on his portable monitor a couple of times. It was getting beyond a joke. She knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on the remaining crewmembers. She felt rude and intrusive of their privacy. She could also feel their growing unease as they continued to see and hear her, yet could not tell what she was. They had asked Holly a number of times and he had kept his word of secrecy. He had faked scans for life-signs, he had lied to them about her existence, and he had lied to them by denying he was lying.  
  
One evening she was sitting in the home she had made from boxes and sheet metal. She was considering the possibility of making her presence known. She still didn't want anyone seeing her with her scarred face but she craved companionship too strongly. She was also considering how she could watch the crew while remaining anonymous. As she was thinking about this she noticed Holly appear on the screen above her head.  
  
" Hi Hol."  
  
" How's it hangin'?"  
  
" Fine, And you?"  
  
" Never better. I came to tell you that I've discovered the other side effect of the mutation."  
  
" What's that?"  
  
" Shape shifting."  
  
" Shape shifting?"  
  
" Yeah, shape shifting."  
  
" Explain, Hol."  
  
" Well when your blood was hit by the radiation it rapidly mutated. That mutation caused your blood to produce a new and as yet unknown chromosome. This is the Z  
  
Chromosome. This mutated chromosome allows you to shape shift, like a polymorph. There is only one drawback. You can only stay in a different shape for twenty-four hours. After than you end up stuck in that form. You don't have to return to your original shape before shape shifting and you don't need to feed off emotions. Amazing, innit?"  
  
" You're kidding me, right?"  
  
" No. Try it if you don't believe me."  
  
" Is it safe?"  
  
" Yeah, just want to change and you will."  
  
" You mean I could change into anything I wanted just by willing it?"  
  
" Of course. You could even get rid of your scars and meet the crew."  
  
" Okay, I'll try it."  
  
She concentrated on becoming her former self. She could feel her head become more rounded as she willed away her scars. When she was done she looked at herself in the mirror. Her skin was perfect and she was once again her beautiful former self. She stared at herself in wonder. Holly watched triumphantly as she proceeded to change into a monkey, a tree, a dustbin and a paper airplane. She finally returned to her natural form. Satisfied, she decided to return to her eavesdropping in a different form. She decided that when she finally faced the crew it would be in her natural form. She also vowed to herself that she wouldn't tell them of her gift unless she thought it appropriate. Minutes later a large orange beach ball bounced along the food decks in the direction of the elevator. 


	7. Revelation

1 Chapter 6-Revelation  
  
She knew she had to change soon. She had been buzzing around the room in fly form for over twenty-three and half-hours. She had been watching the crew for as long as possible, before going up into the air vents and changing back. She would then remain in her natural form for an hour or so, before changing into a new form and beginning her visits once more. Only this time there was a problem. As she flew up through the air vent she thought she had landed on the solid inside of the air duct. However, she had landed on the thin, weak area of the vent. As she changed and grew heavier, the vent beneath her gave way. She crashed through the vent and into the guy's sleeping quarters. Unluckily she landed on top of an unsuspecting Rimmer who, with the aid of a skutter, was reading a book. She fell right through him onto the floor. He looked down amazed at what he saw. What looked like a human being was lying on the floor beneath him. It appeared to be female, with a large scar on its forehead. It stared up at him as he watched in both terror and bewilderment. He was even more shocked when it spoke to him.  
  
" Hi, sorry about that."  
  
" Who the smeg are you?"  
  
" I'm First Officer Lauren Perry. Sorry to burst in on you like this, Rimmer, but the vent gave way."  
  
" How do you know my name? And what were you doing in the vent?"  
  
As Rimmer remembered that she was a first officer he added a quick Ma'am.  
  
" I've been watching you for the last two weeks and I just happened to fall through a weak spot."  
  
" If you don't mind me asking ma'am, why were you watching us?"  
  
" Well for the last three and a half months I've been living by myself in the food decks. I was getting lonely with just Holly for company and I was too ashamed to reveal my existence."  
  
" You mean Holly knew you were there?"  
  
" Yes. I had asked him to keep my existence to himself because I was too ashamed to face you in case you made fun of me."  
  
" With all due respect ma'am, why would you feel ashamed?"  
  
" Are you blind? Can't you see my face?"  
  
" Of course I can, ma'am."  
  
" You can see my scars? I was severely disfigured in the radiation leak. It was only by a mutation in my rare blood that I survived, unlike the rest of the crew."  
  
" Unlike me."  
  
" For smeg's sake would you stop feeling sorry for yourself. You died, what of it. You can still do a great many things that even I can't do."  
  
" What like?"  
  
" You can make friends..."  
  
" Yeah, like that's going to happen any time soon."  
  
" You can talk to things other than Holly..."  
  
" Like they ever listen."  
  
" You can interact with people, you can be with people, you can love a person, you can be loved..."  
  
" Who would love me?"  
  
" You'd be surprised."  
  
" Well you could be loved."  
  
" Who would love me? The only creatures in the galaxy that could love me are you, Lister and the Cat. Anyway, who would even want to like someone as disfigured as me?"  
  
" I like you."  
  
Rimmer suddenly realized what he had just said. Here was this woman who had just fallen through him. They had only just met but already he could tell she had a serious confidence problem. Like him. He thought how well they seemed to get on, despite the fact that he was always nervous around women. He felt that if he was very lucky she might want to become his friend. It was a long shot but it might be a possibility. 


	8. Future Echoes

Chapter 7-Future Echoes  
  
She crept along the air duct. She was careful not to fall through any vents. She stopped above Rimmer's quarters. She came to visit Rimmer every night between ten and eleven, while Lister was at the Copacabana and the Cat was off preening himself. Rimmer was the only one who knew about her and he was growing quite fond of her, despite the fact that she always felt self-conscious when she was with him. He had once pointed out that at least she could touch things, unlike him. She had also confided in him about her potential IQ and the prospect of her incredibly long life. Yet she was still to tell him about her shape shifting abilities.  
  
Rimmer was sitting waiting for her to come. He might be able to keep her a bit longer tonight. Lister would be at the Copacabana a long time. They had been having a bit of a problem with the light barrier. They had broken the light barrier only a few hours ago. Lister had been the first to experience the future echoes. He had seen himself in the mirror a few minutes before the event had occurred. He had also supposedly seen Rimmer walk into a room and say the same things twice. Rimmer had been a bit skeptical at first until they both saw the Cat twice. Then there had been the scare when Rimmer thought he saw Lister die. They had a bit of a shock when a future Lister appeared and it was revealed that Lister was to have two sons. Lister was still recovering from this shock, especially as there wasn't supposed to be any women on board. This made Rimmer consider the possibility that Lauren could be the mother. However, he quickly dismissed the idea.  
  
After Rimmer had told Lauren of the day's events she considered them for a moment. Then she claimed, totally out of the blue, that he was the only person on the ship who had taken the astronavigation exam more times than she had. Understandably, he was totally bemused by this sudden change of subject. He was also a little embarrassed about his failings.  
  
" Why do you say that?"  
  
" I was just thinking that you always complain when you can't do something because you're a hologram. I was going to suggest that you take it again. It would prove to Lister that being dead hasn't effected your career prospects."  
  
" Why bother? Even if I did do well, who would mark it?"  
  
" I would."  
  
" You?"  
  
" Yeah, me. Why not? I am a first class officer, after all."  
  
" But how would you mark it? I would have to get Holly to generate a hologramatic exam paper."  
  
" I'd manage."  
  
" You'll have to call Holly and ask if I can take it as soon as you're ready."  
  
" I'm ready now."  
  
" But I need to revise."  
  
" Trust me, you'll be fine. I won't fiddle the answers, either. It'll be totally fair."  
  
" If you're sure. HOLLY!!!"  
  
" What?"  
  
" One hologramatic astronavigation exam, please."  
  
" You wot?"  
  
" Now, please."  
  
" You'll have to wait a bit Arnold. We're just about to go below light speed."  
  
Lauren, remembering what Rimmer had been talking about before and after glancing around the room, decided to ask Holly a question.  
  
" If we were to see any future echoes now, how far into the future would they be?"  
  
" A few hours I suppose. Why?"  
  
" Look."  
  
They looked into the corner of the room where the bunks were. There were two people there, their identities as yet unknown. They were locked together in a passionate clinch. They were all over each other, slowly undressing each other. As they briefly broke away from each other a hologramatical 'H' was visible on the man's forehead.  
  
Rimmer and Lauren looked on in great surprise. There was only one hologram and one woman on board. It just wasn't possible. Holly looked on happily. He had always thought that they both needed a partner to make them happy.  
  
Rimmer was amazed by the whole incident, he couldn't believe it. He'd only ever been with one woman, once in his life. He suddenly felt very self- conscious. He imagined that she was very experienced. As he was pondering this it suddenly occurred to him that it would be impossible for this future echo to be true. He was, after all, a hologram. She was alive and would be unable to touch him. As the future echo slowly disappeared he became more and more confused. 


	9. Exams

Chapter 8-Exams  
  
They entered the musty exam room and Rimmer sat down at the hologramatic desk at the front. Lauren asked if he was all right with doing the paper without revising. He claimed that he trusted her judgement better than his own and if she said he would be fine then he would. He called for Holly and an exam paper appeared on his desk, face down. Lauren took her place behind him at the back of the room and looked at her watch.  
  
" It's ten fifty three, you may begin."  
  
Prior to the exam they had asked Holly to tell Lister and the Cat that Rimmer had gone for a walk around the food decks, and that he might not return until morning. This was in case anyone got suspicious about his absence.  
  
As soon as Rimmer turned over his exam Lauren concentrated on becoming a small piece of hologramatic memory. She floated across the room to where Rimmer was sitting and entered his mind, mingling with his memories and entering his subconscious. As she prepared to intertwine herself with his short-term memory, she couldn't help but to take a look at his subconscious. As she read the supposedly inaccessible part of the human brain she received quite a large shock. Rimmer's subconscious told her that he was afraid of her. He saw her as a goddess who should be treated with a great deal of respect. As Lauren probed deeper she found he had a frightening emotion towards her â€" affection. She could tell that he was failing to hide his deep feeling for her from his conscious mind. He was obviously determined not to fall in love with her, but slowly but surely he was losing his fight.  
  
Lauren thought it would be best to move back to his memory, to aid him in the exam. She was aware that it was cheating but she felt like she owed him for being her friend.  
  
Rimmer was scared stiff, and hoped he wouldn't have another spasm. He turned over the exam paper very slowly. As he looked at the exam paper in front of him he felt a very faint tingling sensation in the back of his neck. He put the feeling down to nerves and looked again at the exam paper. He suddenly realized that the more he stared at the questions in front of him, the more they seemed to make sense. He realized that for the first time in his life he was confident about something. He was confident that he could pass the exam if he wanted to. This sensation was totally new to him. He put it down to how much better he was being treat than normal. Lauren actually seemed to like him. For the first time he felt like someone actually liked him. He spent the long days waiting for her next visit. The constant insults from the Cat and Lister didn't seem as harsh. He was happier than normal and now it seemed possible that he might pass the astronavigation exam and become an officer.  
  
Two minutes before the end of the exam Lauren returned to her place and once again took on her true shape. She watched on as Rimmer named his paper and sat back in his chair. Lauren decided it had been long enough. It was time to take the pain out of his life. He would become the officer he had always dreamed of becoming.  
  
" Please stop the exam. I ask that you remain seated and do not talk. I thank you for taking the astronavigation exam and wish you every success."  
  
She walked over to the small desk at the front. Before she reached it she shape shifted into a hologram, but without the 'H' on her head. She didn't want Rimmer to suss her out before she had had her fun. It wasn't meant to be mean, but it would confuse him no end.  
  
She stepped up to Rimmer's desk and lifted up the exam paper and took it to the desk at the front of the room. She sat down and began to mark the exam paper. Rimmer still sat at his desk, watching in extreme surprise. How could she do that? She was alive, and yet she had definitely picked up a hologramatic exam paper. She couldn't be a hologram. She didn't have an 'H' on her head, and anyway, she could touch things. He knew this because she had helped him read books and things. It was at that moment that Rimmer realized that he was in love with this mysterious woman.  
  
" I have finished marking your astronavigation examination and the result will be posted to you immediately."  
  
" Please tell me. I've gotta know now."  
  
" Alright, Arnie. I'm very sorry to say this, but YOU PASSED!!!"  
  
" Really?"  
  
" Yeah."  
  
Not for the first time in his life Arnold J. Rimmer landed in a heap on the floor in a dead faint.  
  
As he came to he looked into the deep wells of Lauren's eyes. As he lay in her arms and stared into her beautiful face a great sense of inner peace came over him. His lifetime dream was accomplished, only he couldn't tell anyone. If Lister or the Cat found out they would either not believe him, or they would know that there must be an other officer on board. He was a navigation officer, first class, and it was all thanks to Lauren. He looked deep into her eyes and could see love in her gaze. It was a shock to him to realize that this beautiful woman was in love with him. Him. And not only that, but he could return that love. For the first time in his life he was experiencing true love. And as she stared back at him she lowered her head and they kissed for what seemed like an eternity. 


	10. Consequences

Chapter 9-Consequences  
  
The contented faces of two people very much in love peered out from beneath the hologramatic covers. Both faces wore enormous smiles, the like of which had never before been seen on either of their faces. As both people came to they stared into each other's eyes and laughed. They were happy. And as they regained control they began to kiss long and hard until, by a great misfortune, Lister walked through the door. They had been lucky before, as Lister had fallen asleep in the Copacabana. He stared at the form of Rimmer, who had his back to Lister, and wondered why he was kissing thin air. Lauren had shape shifted again. She was an invisible hologram. She was still passionately kissing Rimmer, only neither Lister nor Rimmer could see her. This totally confused Lister. Why would Rimmer be pretending to be kissing someone?  
  
" What the smeg are you doing, Rimmer?"  
  
When he heard Lister's voice his heart sank. He opened his eyes and got the biggest fright of his life. Lauren was still kissing him, only he couldn't see her. He suddenly pulled away from her in surprise.  
  
" Shhh, Arnie, don't make a sound."  
  
" Where are you?"  
  
" I'm an invisible hologram, don't be alarmed."  
  
" I meant to ask you, how can you touch me? I mean, I'm dead and you're alive."  
  
" I can shape shift. It's one of the side effects of the mutation in my blood."  
  
This whispered conversation was inaudible to Lister. He was wondering why Rimmer wouldn't answer him. He decided to take a closer look. He stepped up to Rimmer's bed and was shocked to see that Rimmer was naked. That was odd, Rimmer always wore something to bed, even if it was just his nocturnal boxing gloves. Rimmer turned to face Lister.  
  
" What are you looking at?"  
  
" What's up Rimmer?"  
  
" Nothing, why?"  
  
" You look different, less neurotic. You still look a Smeghead, but a happy Smeghead. You haven't got a holovirus have you?"  
  
" No, why should I?"  
  
" Because you're never happy. You always find something to whinge about."  
  
" I don't whinge. I sometimes complain, but I never whinge. Anyway, what's it got to do with you?"  
  
" It's got everything to do with me, I have to live with you."  
  
" Not for the next three weeks you don't. I'm going on a little holiday to get away from your petty little mind. You can live alone with the Cat for a while, because I'm through with you. I'm sick to death - literally - of you and your disgusting habits. I'm going for a trip around the cargo decks. Now if you'd kindly leave me be while I pack."  
  
With that Rimmer turned back to Lauren and started to kiss her again. Lister looked on in total amazement. He had never in his life heard Rimmer sound so at peace with himself. It was unnatural for Rimmer to be so carefree. Lister turned around and walked away, leaving Rimmer and Lauren kissing passionately on the bed.  
  
They crept slowly along the cargo deck as Lauren explained to Rimmer that her home was very small and cramped, that he shouldn't judge her by the place she lives. He said he was sure it would be fine and yet again apologized for inviting himself. As they approached he started to worry that she wouldn't like him after what had happened last night. They entered the little hut and Lauren offered him a seat. When he was sat down comfortably in his seat Lauren started the conversation.  
  
" We need to talk."  
  
" Is about last night?"  
  
" Yes."  
  
" I'm sorry about that and I understand totally if you never want to see me again."  
  
" What are you babbling about? Of course I want to see you again, as much as possible."  
  
" You don't think I'm inadequate in bed? Because I do. I'm not very experienced with women. You were only the second time for me."  
  
" I thought you were wonderful, especially as you were my first."  
  
" Your first?"  
  
On hearing this Rimmer promptly fainted. Lauren looked down at him through sorrowful eyes.  
  
" Oh, my love, you are such a wuss, but I still love you. What will I do with you?" 


	11. Balance of Power

Chapter 10-Balance of Power  
  
  
  
" A Chef?"  
  
Had he gone nuts? Lister a chef? Rimmer had to have it wrong. He'd been back little more than a week and he'd already driven Lister over the edge. Why would Lister want to become a chef?  
  
" Why?"  
  
" Because he wants to outrank me."  
  
" Why?"  
  
" Because he won't accept that I'm his superior. He thinks that if he becomes a chef he can order Holly to change my disc for Kochanski's. The best thing is, Holly knows I'm an officer, and Lister doesn't. I can let him think he's won, but really be laughing at him behind his back."  
  
" That's mean, but it should be fun."  
  
" Good, he's taking the exam at the moment. How's about I get Hol to make me look like Kochanski, just to make him think he's won."  
  
" Sounds good to me."  
  
" Great. HOLLY!!!"  
  
" Wait a minute Arnie, I could do it."  
  
" What do you mean?"  
  
" Well I would probably make a much more convincing woman than you. Anyway, I don't mind."  
  
" Well if you're sure."  
  
" I would do anything for you, my love."  
  
Those words made Rimmer's insides tingle with happiness. He was the luckiest man in the universe.  
  
  
  
" Are you sure you want to go through with this, Lauren?"  
  
" Of course I am."  
  
" Good look then."  
  
" Thanks Arnie."  
  
At that moment the figure of Lauren Perry disappeared and was replaced with the beautiful form of Navigation Officer Kristine Kochanski. She looked down at her new body and smiled. This would blow Lister's mind! He had always believed he would eventually get a date with Kochanski, and now he was getting one! True, it was Lauren in Kochanski's body, but what did that matter?  
  
She strode into the exam room where Lister was preparing something disgusting looking. He looked up at her and nearly fainted. Lauren started her act.  
  
" Hello, Dave."  
  
Lister could do nothing but stand and stare. Eventually he realizes he was still holding a very hot dish...  
  
" Aaahhh! Eee! Aaa! Ooo! I'm just doing this errmm, I'm just taking this errmm, this is a surprise."  
  
Lauren stared back at him through Kochanski's eyes and saw the look of pure amazement in his eyes. This was going to be more fun than she thought. She had always wanted to do something really horrible to Lister and the Cat for being so mean to her Arnie, but she could never think of anything mean enough. This was the best thing that could happen to Lister and she was about to make it hell.  
  
" I've been talking to Holly. Dave, why didn't you just tell me how you felt about me when I was still alive?"  
  
" 'Cause I'm a dope. And I'm a bum, and I'm stupid, and I'm an idiot, and I'm hopeless and I'm useless."  
  
" I'm sorry Dave, but I just don't fancy you."  
  
" Oh, hey. I'm really embarrassed now. I don't know what to say."  
  
" I'm sorry Dave, but I could never love anyone like you. I want a man with ambitions, someone who's going places."  
  
This last statement made Lister slightly suspicious. He started to consider the possibility that this was one of Rimmer's tricks. It was the sort of thing Rimmer would say to make Lister want to be more like him. Lister never gave a thought to the fact that it may be someone besides Rimmer. Lister decided to try a trick to find out if it was Rimmer.  
  
During the long pause while Lister was considering this Lauren was becoming rather nervous. She was beginning to think that Lister had sussed her out. She would have to be more careful about what she said in future.  
  
Eventually Lister spoke again, using a trick question.  
  
" So, it didn't mean anything to you, then?"  
  
Lauren knew he was trying to trick her. She would have to tread very carefully from now on.  
  
" What didn't?"  
  
" You know, when we made love on the snooker table behind the bins."  
  
This was what she had been dreading, the trick question she didn't know the answer to. She would have to guess, and if she guessed wrong then the whole thing would be blown. She considered for a moment. She used to be friends with the real Kochanski before the accident. Had she ever mentioned any sexual experience with Lister? Not that she could recall. She decided to play safe and blame memory loss if she was wrong.  
  
" We've never made love, Dave. What are you talking about?"  
  
Lister looked relieved, which gave Lauren more confidence. She'd been right to go with ignorance.  
  
The two continued to discuss a possible relationship for them but eventually Lauren convinced Lister she would never be interested in him. Lister went to his room and locked the door and Lauren went back to Rimmer, giving him the good news.  
  
" You convinced him? How?"  
  
" I told you, I was just lucky."  
  
" This calls for a celebration!"  
  
With that he picked her up in his arms, and as he did so she returned to her normal shape, as a hologram of course, and he carried her to her old officers quarters, locking the door behind them to give them the privacy they needed. 


	12. Punishment For the Cat

Chapter 11-Punishment For the Cat  
  
" HOLLY! Where's the Cat?"  
  
" What?"  
  
" Where's the Cat?"  
  
" He's asleep in Dave's quarters. Why?"  
  
" It's payback time."  
  
Lauren knew what she had to do. Lister had been punished for being cruel to Rimmer, now it was Cat's turn. Lister still cried at night after his experience with 'Kochanski' the week before. Lauren had really hurt him, yet she didn't feel at all guilty about it. She thought he deserved a large punishment for the snide remarks and insulting things he said to Rimmer. Cat was just as bad as Lister was and it had taken herself and Rimmer's joint efforts to come up with a suitable punishment. She would shape shift to become a female Cat. She would then proceed in seducing the Cat and then refuse to sleep with him. She knew from her eavesdropping that the Cat was extremely vain, and that refusal to have sex with him would cramp his style. Cats never refused to have sex with other Cats unless there was something wrong with their partner. The Cat would lose all meaning to life. Originally it was Rimmer's idea and Lauren wasn't sure at first. She didn't want the Cat to take advantage of her. Rimmer eventually persuaded her to go through with it, so here she was, shape shifting into the form of a beautiful female Cat. Rimmer watched eagerly as she changed.  
  
" You look wonderful!"  
  
" Thanks."  
  
" You know, it still freaks me out a little when you do that. Shape shift, I mean."  
  
" Thanks a lot."  
  
" I didn't mean any offence, it's just watching the person you love change shape is a bit weird. Actually, it's absolutely disgusting."  
  
" Fine, I won't do it again after this, if that would make you happy."  
  
" But then..."  
  
" Tough. See you later."  
  
And with that she turned around and strode out of the door, leaving Rimmer alone to consider what he had done.  
  
  
  
" What have I done, Hol? I never know a good thing when I see one. One little mistake is all I made, one little mistake."  
  
Rimmer was sitting in his quarters. Lister was away breaking into the dead crewmembers' lockers. He often did that to pass the time.  
  
Holly looked down at Rimmer with pitying eyes. He knew what had happened between Rimmer and Lauren. Rimmer was extremely upset about the whole thing. He had never been in love before and so didn't know how to make up with Lauren.  
  
" What can I do, Hol?"  
  
" Well it's your own fault Arnold. You know how sensitive she is about her abilities. I bet you she feels rotten at the moment."  
  
" I knew it would never last. It never does for me, never. I thought it would be different with her, but I guess not. I'm never going to find a woman who truly loves me."  
  
" Come on Arnold, you know Lauren loves you dearly."  
  
" Does she really, or does she say she does out of pity?"  
  
" She really does."  
  
Of this Holly was a bit unsure, as Lauren had never confided in him about her feelings for Rimmer before. She was a very secretive person, never telling anyone her secrets.  
  
" Do you love her?"  
  
That question made Rimmer think for a minute. He had never experienced love before and was unsure of the symptoms.  
  
" What do you think Hol?"  
  
" Well how do you feel about her when you're with her?"  
  
" Well she's great in bed."  
  
" I mean when you are together, when you're talking, kissing."  
  
" I feel secure. She gives me this warm, tingling feeling whenever I see her. My heart aches when she kisses me."  
  
" I'd say you were definitely in love with her."  
  
" You think?"  
  
" Definitely."  
  
Lauren was sat in her home in the cargo hold crying her eyes out. She was once again in her natural form. How could he do this to her? After all she had done for him? He was a pig, a stinking, rotten pig. She decided she was through with shape shifting. She would never shape shift again unless her life depended on it, which would never happen because she wished her life would end. She knew she was easily insulted, but he knew that as well. He was totally thoughtless.  
  
" Penny for 'em."  
  
" Holly, you frightened me."  
  
" Sorry. So what's up with you then?"  
  
" The pig. How could he?"  
  
" He was only giving his opinion. He's really upset about it. He loves you dearly and he feels so guilty. Why don't you go talk to him?"  
  
" Holly, how would you feel if the person you loved turned around and told you that you disgusted them?"  
  
" Pretty rotten, I suppose."  
  
" I hate him."  
  
" Well I heard you never want to shape shift again. Why not use your abilities to help people?"  
  
" I could do."  
  
The Cat had just finished perming his leg hairs and was taking a stroll around the cargo deck when he came across Lauren in her female Cat form. He took one look at her and swaggered up to her.  
  
" Hey baby. What you doin'?"  
  
" Waiting for a handsome guy like yourself to come by."  
  
" Really?"  
  
" Yeah, you're the kind of guy I would want to make love to."  
  
" WOW! What're you doin' in about 10 seconds?"  
  
" Nothing I couldn't cancel."  
  
Cat just stared at her. A woman, a real woman, wanted to sleep with him. He led her away to a cargo crate with a huge grin on his face. 


	13. Switch off

1 Chapter 12-Switch off  
  
" What's up Rimmer? You've been quiet all week."  
  
" Nothing."  
  
" That's the first thing you've said to me in two days, we must be making progress."  
  
" Shut up Lister."  
  
" Just tell me man. I can't put up with you like this, you're even more of a Smeghead when you're like this."  
  
" I loved her, I really did."  
  
" Ah, it's an old girlfriend. I never knew you had any girlfriends. I bet she was a gormless, toad faced witch, right from a mental institution. Would have to be to want to go out with you."  
  
" Smeg off Lister."  
  
" I'm only trying to help."  
  
" Well I don't need your help."  
  
" Okaaaay."  
  
At that moment the Cat entered with a huge smile on his face. He danced around the room a few times before stopping and facing Lister.  
  
" Where've you been? You've been gone for a whole week!"  
  
" I've been in the cargo decks."  
  
" Doin' what?"  
  
" Having SEX!!!"  
  
" Eh?"  
  
" I found this beautiful girl and we had SEX!!!"  
  
" Cat, I've told you before, there are no girls on Red Dwarf."  
  
" No? Then what have I been having sex with?"  
  
" Your hand?"  
  
" No way, she was real."  
  
At that point Lister noticed that Rimmer was looking very pale. He was sitting on the bed looking blankly into space. His bottom lip was quivering slowly as he digested the news. Lauren was being unfaithful!  
  
" What's up Rimmer? You shocked that the Cat's had more sex than you?"  
  
" She, she, she..."  
  
" Ignore him, bud. I just had SEX!"  
  
Rimmer spent the rest of the day wandering around the officer's quarters and finally ended up at the Copacabana. He needed a VERY strong drink. How could she do this to him? He couldn't believe that she would be unfaithful, but not only that, to the Cat.  
  
The first woman he had had a proper relationship with. The first woman he had loved and would undoubtedly ever love. He kept blaming himself for the whole thing. It was, after all, his fault.  
  
" What's up, dude?"  
  
" What do you mean 'What's up'?"  
  
" Just wondering how you were."  
  
" Holly, do you know nothing?  
  
" I know that Kevin Keegan's 'Football: It's A Funny Old Game' is definitely the worst book ever written."  
  
" Lauren slept with the Cat."  
  
" Oh, I'm sorry Arnold, I didn't know."  
  
" I want you to do something for me."  
  
" Anything, Arnold. You are a superior officer."  
  
" I want you to turn me off."  
  
" What?"  
  
" I want to be turned off. Give Lister Kochanski. She's more use around here than I ever was. At least Lister can be happy."  
  
" I can't do that Arnold."  
  
" Why not?"  
  
" You're not feeling yourself at the moment. Don't give up hope just because of one problem. Life, or death in your case, goes on."  
  
" She gave me a reason for existing. She's the only thing that ever went right for me in my life-or death. She kept me going. Without her I have no reason for being."  
  
" Don't do this, Arnold."  
  
" Holly, I order you to switch me off. At least one of us can be happy, instead of us both being miserable."  
  
" Holly!"  
  
" Yes, Dave?"  
  
" Where's Rimmer?"  
  
" What?"  
  
" Where's Rimmer?"  
  
" Where's who?"  
  
" RIMMER."  
  
" Who's he, then?"  
  
" Holly, I want you to tell me, and I want you to tell me now. Where the smeg is Rimmer."  
  
" Rimmer who?"  
  
" ARNOLD SMEGGING RIMMER."  
  
" Oh, him."  
  
" Yes, him."  
  
" I turned him off."  
  
" You what?"  
  
" I turned him off."  
  
" You what?"  
  
" I turned him off."  
  
" Why?"  
  
" Because he asked me to."  
  
" Have you gone totally insane or something?"  
  
" No, have you?"  
  
" Why did he ask to be turned off? He was dead (literally) against it the last I knew."  
  
" He said his existence had no meaning, that at least you would be happy if he was gone."  
  
" Okay, Holly, what did he really say?"  
  
" Wot, you don't believe me?"  
  
" No."  
  
" It's true."  
  
" Rimmer sacrificed himself to make me happy?"  
  
" Yes, Dave, he did."  
  
" Are we talking about the same Rimmer?"  
  
" Yes, Dave."  
  
A pained look came over Lister's face. Rimmer wasn't really that bad after all. How could he have misjudged him all these years?  
  
Lauren was at home when she heard the news off Holly.  
  
" Lauren."  
  
" Ahh! Jesus, Hol, have you ever considered how many people might have a heart attack if you did that to them?"  
  
" This is a serious moment, Lauren."  
  
" What's happened?"  
  
In her heart of hearts she knew it was about her beloved Rimmer. Something terrible had happened to him before she had had chance to make her peace with him.  
  
" It's Arnold, he's gone."  
  
" Gone?"  
  
" He asked me to turn him off."  
  
" WHAT!"  
  
" He asked me to turn him off."  
  
" Why?"  
  
" He said he couldn't live with the fact that he had blown his only ever chance of happiness."  
  
" Oh my God, what have I done."  
  
" Did you sleep with the Cat?"  
  
" Eh?"  
  
" Did you sleep with the Cat?"  
  
Lauren didn't know what to say. She knew she would have to face it some time, just not this soon. But in her heart she knew that the only way of getting her Arnie back would be to tell Holly the truth…  
  
" Yes."  
  
" Really?"  
  
" Yes."  
  
" Oh. Well, Arnold said he couldn't live with the thought that you'd slept with the Cat. When the Cat came back from the cargo decks he was boasting that he'd had sex with a girl. Arnold immediately went to pieces. He spent the next three days in your old quarters crying, then asked me to turn him off and give Dave Kochanski."  
  
" Did you?"  
  
" No, I thought I would tell you first, to see if you wanted him back."  
  
" Of course I do!"  
  
" Okay."  
  
Rimmer's hologram appeared in front of her and she looked deep into his eyes. All she was greeted with was hate and disgust. Rimmer took one look at her and sat down on the floor, in tears. Lauren sat beside him and tried to put her arm around him, but it went strait through him. She immediately turned into a hologram, this time touching him for real. She was hurt when he pulled away from her.  
  
" What's wrong, Arnie?"  
  
She regretted saying something so stupid. It was obvious what was wrong.  
  
" How c-c-could you?"  
  
" I did wrong, Arnie, I admit that. I'm so, so sorry."  
  
" You can't change the past."  
  
" I know, my love, but you can look to the future."  
  
" I can't."  
  
" Why not?"  
  
" I have nothing to live for."  
  
" You have me."  
  
" No, I don't."  
  
These words stung Lauren deeply. She had made a mistake and she wanted, more than anything in the world, to make it up with her beloved Arnie. 


	14. Trapped

1 Chapter 13-Trapped  
  
" How many more times do I have to apologize before you'll forgive me?"  
  
" Unbelievably it's not the sort of thing you forgive easily."  
  
" But I'm so sorry. I want you to take me back, Arnie. I love you so much it hurts, I never meant to hurt you like this."  
  
" Well you should have thought about that before you were unfaithful."  
  
" I was upset! You'd just told me I disgusted you, how was I supposed to feel?"  
  
" It didn't mean you should be unfaithful."  
  
" Well it's not as if we're married, is it."  
  
" No, but I was going to apologize for the disgusted bit, only I didn't have chance before you slept with the Cat."  
  
" You had plenty of time."  
  
This was how most of their time was spent. They argued for twelve hours, at last, each day. They tried to discuss it properly but they always ended up arguing. Eventually they learned to accept that their relationship was over. Rimmer was a wreck, Lauren spent the next month crying, and Holly was given the task of comforting them both. Holly knew it was Lauren's fault for being unfaithful just because they had a small disagreement. Eventually he came up with a solution to the problem.  
  
" Lauren, you know what you have to do, don't you?"  
  
" There's nothing I can do. He hates me."  
  
" He doesn't hate you, he loves you very much. That's why he's so hurt, because the woman he loves dearly is unfaithful. Anyway, there's something you can do to get him back."  
  
" What?"  
  
" Well, you have to prove to him how much he means to you. Do something very special for him, something that means you sacrificing something. You could cut off all your hair or something."  
  
" Why didn't I think of that! You're brilliant Hol!"  
  
Lauren spent the next three days thinking of something she could do as a sacrifice. Eventually she came up with the perfect thing. But before she could go through with it she had to consult Holly. It was a big sacrifice, only worth it because it might get her Arnie back. She thought it best to consult Holly first, in case it didn't work.  
  
" Holly, I need your advice."  
  
" Eh? Yeah, sure, anything."  
  
" You know my shape shifting."  
  
" Yeah."  
  
" Can I still shape shift if I get trapped in a form?"  
  
" Yes, but it would have limits."  
  
" What kind of limits?"  
  
" Well if you got trapped as a dog you would be able to shape shift to other breeds of dog, but nothing else. If you got trapped as an elephant you could only turn into African, Asian or Mimian elephants. If you got trapped as a hologram you could become any shape, but you would still be a hologram, unable to touch anything and made entirely of light."  
  
" So I could become any hologramatic shape, but never be solid again, with a proper body."  
  
" That's right. Why?"  
  
" Just wondering."  
  
Half an hour later she was crawling along the air vent like she used to do in the old days, before Rimmer. She found the vent above his quarters and peered through. Below she could see Lister doing a jigsaw puzzle. The Cat was lying on Rimmer's bunk and appeared to be doing his laundry. The one person she couldn't see was Rimmer. She decided he must be moping around the ship as usual, so she crawled back along the vent until she was above the room next door. She checked the room before dropping through the vent to the floor. Once there she called Holly.  
  
" Holly, where's Arnie?"  
  
" He's sitting in your old quarters in the officer's block."  
  
" Thanks, Hol."  
  
" S'alright."  
  
Lauren immediately made her way to the officer's block, being careful not to be seen on the way. Once there she cautiously proceeded through the door into her old room, the one where she used to meet Rimmer each day. They knew they would be all right there as the others couldn't go there, as it was not yet decontaminated. As she walked through the door she could see Rimmer sitting on her bed with his head in his hands. He looked about as miserable as she felt. When he heard the door opening he looked up at her, staring deep into her eyes.  
  
" What do you want?"  
  
" I want you back."  
  
" No."  
  
" Please, Arnie. I'll do anything for you, you know that already. Please give me another chance."  
  
" No."  
  
" Now I want you to stand on me."  
  
" Eh?"  
  
At that instant she shape shifted into a small, hologramatic beetle. She crawled over to where he was sitting and stopped next to his shoe. He looked down, wondering if she was bluffing. He decided he'd find out by lifting his shoe and resting it on her tiny back. If she tried to run he would know she was bluffing. If she didn't he would know that she was prepared to sacrifice herself for him. He lifted his shoe above her and slowly lowered it until he was putting quite a bit of pressure on her. Not enough to kill her, but enough to test how true to her word she was. He was shocked; she was prepared to die for him! He removed his shoe and looked down at the tiny beetle on the floor and realized he still loved her, and that he was ready to forgive her.  
  
The next morning, when they woke up in each other's arms, they knew they'd done the right thing. They hadn't been this happy in six weeks. They looked at each other and started to kiss passionately. After a few minutes they were making love again. They were so happy together it was unbelievable. Later that day they decided that they'd better be heading back, as Lister might be getting suspicious as to why Rimmer was disappearing so much these days. When they were ready to head back they kissed long and hard before Rimmer pointed out a fact well worth mentioning.  
  
" Hadn't you better return to your normal form?"  
  
" Why?"  
  
" Well you've been a hologram for a long time, you can't get trapped."  
  
" Why not?"  
  
" Well you'd be a hologram for ever, and you'd never be able to touch anything ever again."  
  
" I could touch you."  
  
" Yeah, but that would be it."  
  
" I don't mind. At least it would prove to you how much you mean to me."  
  
" Lauren, please don't. It's a nice thought, but it would ruin your life. I can't let you do it."  
  
" What if I refuse to change back?"  
  
" I'll never speak to you again. I can't let you throw away your life like that."  
  
" You are such a love."  
  
And with that Lauren returned to her natural form for another day. 


	15. Waiting for God

1 Chapter 14-Waiting for God  
  
1.1 " A God? Lister?"  
  
" Apparently the Cat people thought he made a brilliant sacrifice so that they could live."  
  
" But Lister a God."  
  
" Pretty unbelievable."  
  
Rimmer had just told her that the Cat people believed that Lister was their God. This was actually an unsurprising revelation to Lauren, as she knew that Lister had gone into stasis to rescue his cat, Frankenstein. Rimmer was overreacting to the whole situation. He claimed it was unfair that Lister got to be a God and he didn't.  
  
" I could have been a God if I'd had the right start in life."  
  
" You'll always be a God in my eyes, Arnie."  
  
" By the way, I also found a pod of some sort. I think it might be an alien pod, aliens that can give me a real body!"  
  
" I doubt it, Arnie. There isn't anything out there except a load of rocks and dust. Anyway, why do you need a real body? You can touch me."  
  
" Yes, I know, but if I want to lead a relatively normal 'life' then I need to be able to touch things besides you."  
  
" Well let me see this 'alien pod', I might be able to tell you what it is.  
  
" Okay, follow me."  
  
Lauren knew that Rimmer had to be mistaken, but she went with him anyway. She thought she might be able to look into this 'God' thing of Lister's.  
  
They went up the few thousand floors in the Express lift, as it was a little too far to walk. Lauren very rarely went down to the cargo decks these days, but when she did she stayed for a few weeks. This gave her chance to be alone with Rimmer for a while, with no fear of Lister or the Cat walking in on them.  
  
Most of the time Lauren now spent in her old officer's quarters, where no one ever went, due to the contamination. She had to sort out her quarters, as the skutters hadn't bothered to tidy it up during her 3000000-year absence. She liked to keep her distance from Lister and Cat, as she still didn't want them to know about her. So far she was doing a good job, as neither of them suspected when she was eavesdropping on them. She still liked to eavesdrop, to keep herself informed on what was going on with the others. As she had been in the cargo decks she didn't know about the pod, or Lister being a God. She just left that kind of thing to Arnie.  
  
When they reached the habitation decks Rimmer's excitement was growing. He led Lauren to the observation room where they could see the pod. Lauren took one look at it and smiled.  
  
" Have you never worked in waste disposal?"  
  
" No, why?"  
  
" It's a garbage pod."  
  
" WHAT."  
  
" It's a garbage pod."  
  
" Oh, smeg."  
  
" It doesn't matter, it could have been alien."  
  
" I suppose so."  
  
" Come on Arnie, I want to check out the Lister thing. Are you coming?"  
  
" Yeah, why not."  
  
"Cat, where are you?  
  
Lister was wandering the habitation decks looking for the Cat. Little did Lister know that the Cat had retreated to the cargo deck to spend time with an old and dying priest. Lister decided to call on Holly for possible enlightenment concerning the Cat's whereabouts.  
  
" Cat? Cat? Holly, where's the Cat?"  
  
" He's no longer in my supervision field, Dave."  
  
" He's gone down to the cargo decks."  
  
" I lost him as he entered supply pipe 28."  
  
Lister moved to the pipe and called the Cat's name. There was no response. Lister decided to follow the Cat down the pipe and find out what he was up to.  
  
Lauren and Rimmer moved slowly along the corridor towards the voices. They could hear, but not yet see, the Cat talking to someone they didn't know.  
  
" I'm telling you about my feet! My investigating feet."  
  
" Don't you hear me? I'm dying."  
  
" Yeah. But I'm telling you about my feet."  
  
That was typical Cat, only thinking of number one. They crept up to an opening in the corridor wall, where they could see the Cat talking to an unfamiliar man. By the way he was ranting about Cloister not existing they could tell he was a very old member of the cat species. Lauren and Rimmer positioned themselves so that they could both see the show.  
  
Suddenly Lister entered, wearing a doughnut on his head and clutching a golden hotdog in his arm. He moved towards the old cat priest, for that was evidently what he was, and spoke of being Cloister returned from the dead. When the priest asked Cat what Lister looked like it occurred to Lauren that the priest was blind. She motioned to Rimmer that she intended to show the priest for himself. Rimmer looked at her bemusedly until she demonstrated her intentions by shape shifting and moving into the priest's eyes. There was an immediate shriek as the old cat temporarily regained his sight. He stared up at Lister and exclaimed:  
  
" A miracle!!! This is the happiest day of my --uh---Aaahhh---oh"  
  
And with a final breath of air, the old cat died.  
  
" That was very thoughtful of you, Lauren, giving that cat his sight for the last brief moments of his life."  
  
" Well he was going to die anyway, so it was better he died happy."  
  
" Yeah, and Lister suddenly thinks he can perform miracles. He's been practicing all morning."  
  
" At least it's keeping him occupied."  
  
" Meaning?"  
  
" We have a few hours alone…"  
  
" Good idea…"  
  
" My room should be empty…"  
  
" Very good idea…"  
  
" Steady on, Tiger…"  
  
And they left… 


	16. Lister Sees all

1 Chapter 15-Lister Sees All  
  
Lauren was in heaven. She lay upon the bed in her quarters, having just made love to Rimmer. He had gone to speak to Holly while she dressed, preferring to give her some privacy. She turned on her side and gazed at her clock radio: 11:30 am. As she went to turn back she was caught in the arms of Rimmer who, having spoken to Holly, had returned to find her staring at her clock, mesmerized. She gave a tiny yelp as he pulled her close and began kissing her…  
  
" Some things should never be seen, and this is one of them."  
  
Rimmer whirled around to find himself face to face with…  
  
" Lister!"  
  
Lauren, totally panicked, became solid again, causing her to fall through Rimmer's arms. She gazed at Lister as he continued.  
  
" So this is where you come to be alone with Ingrid? What, did Holly make a hologramatic Ingrid for you to…"  
  
He stopped mid-sentence, as he had suddenly caught sight of Lauren in her true, solid form. He gaped at her, not wishing to break the silence. Eventually, she whispered to Rimmer.  
  
" Arnie, remember your manners."  
  
" Oh, sorry. Lauren, this is Lister. Lister, this is First Officer Lauren Perry."  
  
" Are you real?"  
  
Lauren stared at him. How stupid was this man?  
  
" Of course I'm real."  
  
" I meant, are you a hologram?"  
  
" Do I look like a hologram?"  
  
" Well, no."  
  
" Well then, there's your answer."  
  
" Where did you get those scars?"  
  
Rimmer was sick of this. As if Lauren would want to talk about her traumatic experience to Lister.  
  
" Smeg off Lister."  
  
" I was only asking."  
  
" It's all right, Arnie, I'll answer him. Lister, I got my scars in the accident. I survived the initial shock of the leak and was put into stasis by Holly about half an hour after the accident. I was brought out of stasis before you by Holly, who reviewed my situation."  
  
"Wow."  
  
Rimmer had had enough. Lauren was still a little weak and he didn't want Lister to over exert her.  
  
" Yes, wow, now smeg off."  
  
" Alright, Rimmer, I'm going. I only came to look in Kochanski's quarters."  
  
" You shouldn't be here, it's not yet decontaminated."  
  
" Oh."  
  
He pressed the pad at the side of her door. It reluctantly opened to him. As he stepped inside he felt a slight twitch of guilt as he walked around her personal space, intruding in her most private place. He stepped up to the view port. All he could see was the endless blackness he had seen too much of recently. It reminded him of his hopeless predicament. He was totally alone in a Godless universe with only a cat, a dead man and a senile computer for company. If he had a woman, life might be bearable, but no, the only woman on the ship was with Rimmer. Rimmer. Rimmer? He suddenly realized that Rimmer was a hologram, and she wasn't… What was going on? Was he seeing things again? And why would she choose Rimmer of all people?  
  
1.1 He decided to think it through logically, so he sat on Kochanski's bunk while he mulled it over.  
  
Let's start from the beginning, he thought, Rimmer's a hologram, and she's not. So how were they kissing? She must be a hologram, or Rimmer found his aliens and they gave him his body. But there are no aliens, are there?  
  
Lister stood up. It was impossible. He came to the conclusion that he had imagined the whole thing. Who would sleep with Rimmer, after all, he thought. But what about the Cat? He said he slept with a woman. But if she is a hologram, then that would be impossible. Unless the Cat's a hologram.  
  
" This is gettin' smeggin' stupid", he said aloud to no-one in particular.  
  
" I can't believe he saw you. You were mine. Mine. Now he's probably going to make advances on you, and I'll lose you, and…"  
  
" Arnie, I love you, not him. You won't lose me."  
  
" I've never been able to keep anything nice for very long. I knew I would lose you, I'll never know love like this again. I'll be alone again."  
  
" Arnie, shut up! You won't lose me. I don't love Lister, I don't love the Cat, I don't love Holly, and I don't love the smegging skutters. I LOVE YOU!!!" 


	17. A/n: bye bye!

A/n: This isn't what you think… Luna The Moonmonster asked me to finish this story, and that's totally what I intend to do… just, I plan to do it a little differently… I am also writing another story called Nova 12 as most of you know, and I had a great idea for a big adventure thingy to happen, but I wasn't sure who to make it happen to, this one, or Nova 12! Tough decision… well I decided I wanted it to happen to both! SORTA… (are you understanding so far?)  
  
It's a hassle to write 2 different stories, so I had the idea to combine them, but they aren't just going to meet up with each other just like that. What I decided to do was, every other chapter would be either about the Nova 12 characters or Alternative Red dwarf-the story of Lauren Perry characters(DON'T WORRY, I'LL MARK WHICH IS WHICH CLEARLY) . It will go on like that for some of the story, and eventually they will meet up. I have some great ideas for that, and that's how I'm going to start my trilogy series.  
  
Basically, I am ending this particular story here, but I will continue RIGHT where I left off in my combine story! Don't worry, I'll have the first few chapters soon! See you there, bye! (Email me if you have any questions, Janine_Icesk8@yahoo.com) 


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